I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
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Is it penis luge time yet?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
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If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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