Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
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there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
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Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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