It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
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Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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