new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
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He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
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I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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