Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
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You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
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You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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