He uses pillows to masturbate.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
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And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
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when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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