bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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