It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize