Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
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Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
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Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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