last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
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and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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