He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
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He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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