I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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