She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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