I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
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How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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