at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize