Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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