what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize