whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
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Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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