I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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