True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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