So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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