And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
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if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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