we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
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Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
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Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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