Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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