I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
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YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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