dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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