Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
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I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
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When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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