Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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