Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
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He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
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I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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