A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
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you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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