i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize