I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
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I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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