mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
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75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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