i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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