Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
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Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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