On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize