I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
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he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
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You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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