she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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