when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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