She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
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wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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