one two three fourrrrnication!
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
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i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
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FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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