You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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