Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
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Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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