last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
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And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
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I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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