Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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