just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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