I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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