I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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