there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
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Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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