I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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